I need help with asking for what I need.
What is a good relationship?
Yes, this is relevant to you learning to ask for what you need, I promise! Go with me on this then you’ll get to take a quiz or two, if you want, and help put this all in perspective.
PS There are 3 quizzes on this page that you can use to figure out how much of an issue, asking for what you need, is for you and start putting your finger on why that is. They are clearly marked with boxes. So feel free to scroll and just do the quizzes if that’s your style - or read through and you’ll have more context for the quizzes.
And you can contact me anytime if you have questions or want some help.
So….What is a good relationship, anyway? Here’s a simple way of understanding what defines a good relationship.
A good relationship of any kind is simply one in which the types of needs you have and the way you like to meet those needs closely aligns with the other persons needs and desired approach to getting what they need, most of the time.
or…
One in which the needs you have and how you like to meet them may not align with the other, but they do not inconvenience them or compromise their core values and vice versa.
It’s that simple. That’s a good relationship.
Here’s a little visual I made to help make this a little clearer:
The key elements of a healthy relationship, by Michelle Morand, 123Living.com
See how it starts with each of you knowing and being conscious enough to honour your core values and principles? And seeing that the two of you share enough of those values and principles that your general foundation for life is aligned.
And it builds from there with your short term and big picture goals - the more similar these are in you both the more alignment and ease you’ll have with each other.
And your ability and theirs, to know what you need in this moment and to make choices about how to get those needs met, that show mutual consideration and respect for the other - not more, not less - determines the ease with which you understand each other and can support each other to get what is most important to you both.
Once you understand this it becomes pretty obvious that you’re going to struggle if you’re trying to have a good relationship with:
Someone who doesn’t know how to tell what they need;
Someone who doesn’t know to communicate what they want clearly and respectfully;
Someone who gets defensive because they feel vulnerable asking for things;
Someone who gets mad if you don’t immediately say yes, with enthusiasm!';
Someone who ends up blaming you for their defensive reaction;
Someone who lays guilt trips or blames you when you say no;
Someone who says they knew they shouldn’t have asked…;
Someone who apologizes profusely for having a need…for needing your help;
Someone who doesn’t prioritize taking the time to care to hear what you need and just assumes they know or pushes forward their own agenda;
Someone who doesn’t have patience for you to propose other solutions that might work better for you both - instead of appreciating your intention, they see that as controlling; manipulating; being difficult or just wanting things your own way…;
I could go on - but if you’re in a close connection with someone who communicates about the things they need or that you need in these ways generally, I know one thing for sure:
It’s going to be a draining, stressful, unsatisfying bond!
And, depending on how closely linked your life is to this person and the degree to which they can’t speak up respectfully for themselves, you’re going to experience varying degrees of drain from:
Level 1: Low drain/can tolerate every now and then with no harm, (luckily we only see them once a year at that bbq or at xmas…)
all the way up to
Level 10: Soul-sucking (so draining and demanding that you have no energy or enthusiasm for anything).
And the degree that this relationship sucks will be determined by how many of the above behaviours that person engages in, and how intensely, as a rule when discussing general and sensitive matters with you.
Self-quiz Time
If you want to dive a little deeper with me - Take this little poll I made for you to help you identify how the people in your life, past or present, - personal, work, or otherwise - affect how you feel and why why do what you do. So, think about someone that comes to mind when you think of the above patterns of communicating with you:
Now back to you!
Now, I know you came here to talk about you, but I wanted to talk about them first.
Because if you can think of key people from your past or present who do those things in their relationship with you, and see that, whoever they are, they make it harder for you to speak up, then you can start to understand that the issue here is bigger than just you. In fact, your feelings of anxiety or reluctance to speak up directly and respectfully about what you want or need are likely coming from a legit need to protect yourself.
And…Here’s the good news!
You can totally change how you feel when you try to figure out or communicate your needs with someone, even this person!
And you can totally change how you handle this relationship and every other relationship in your life with the tools I’m going to share with you. I promise!
So, let’s look at the part that you might be playing here and what you can do to feel less anxious and more relaxed in yourself and in your communication with others.
What if, without meaning to…you’re undermining your own self-confidence?
What if you’re so worried that someone will say that you’re wrong for needing what you need - like someone else knows better than you what you need - that you don’t want to come right out and ask?
What if your fear of upsetting someone or letting them down actually prevents you from feeling connected and safe with them?- What if your fears are undermining the whole reason you’re trying to be so considerate!
What if you’re so afraid of being judged as needy that you feel ashamed just admitting you have a need?
How does that fear of judgement or rejection and the shame and guilt that it brings up for you get in the way of your ability to be happy?
What if your own confusion about what you need in any moment, and how to communicate what you need to someone else, makes you a little defensive, or makes you take 10 hours to get to your point, or makes you so unclear that no matter how much someone wants to meet your need and make you happy, they don’t know how?
What if your own confusion about what is okay or reasonable to ask of someone else makes you not ask for anything at all?
What if your reluctance to let people know how you feel makes you go so long without what you need that you finally explode, and things go even worse, and now you have proof that your needs are bad and you were wrong to ask….
What if you don’t know how to show respect and consideration for yourself and the other in your communication…You know… win-win? - Where both people get what they need? That type of respect and consideration.
What if you didn’t know how to do that stuff?
How important can it really be? How could it really be hurting you to lack that knowledge?
SELF-quiz TIME
If you want to dive a little deeper with me -
Take this little poll I made for you to help you identify how you communicate about what you need.
When answering this quiz - be brutally honest with yourself about the key people in your life and how you most often interact with them.
Then you can try the quiz again for someone on the periphery of your life - like the bank teller, or checkout person - and see if your answers change. This is valuable info for you and for me and it will help us get you to where you want to be much faster than you can possibly imagine. I promise.
And, one more little quiz - let’s take a look at what skills you already have on deck.
Then You and I will both know better what it is you need in order to accomplish your goals.
Now What?
Remember how this discussion started? It was a while ago and you’ve learned a few things about yourself since then, so let me refresh you:
What makes the foundation of any good relationship?
A good relationship of any kind is simply one in which the types of needs you have and the way you like to meet those needs closely aligns with the other persons needs and desired approach to getting what they need.
or…
One in which the needs you have and how you like to meet them may not align with the other, but they do not inconvenience them or compromise their core values and vice versa.
So if you have a hard time figuring out what you need or speaking up about what you need;
If you feel ashamed or guilty or wrong or bad or bitchy or bossy or rude or aggressive or anything like that when you ask someone to be there for you in any way - you’re not going to be able to relax in yourself or in your relationships.
You won’t trust that you’re going to get what you need, not without a lot of stress anyway, and you’re going to have a hard time having strong, healthy, secure bonds.
And not because of who you are or because what you want or need in life is too much !
Because you just don’t know how to figure out what you need;
Or if you do, you get tripped up when you try to just speak up about it.
That’s a life skill.
You can master that. No problem.
Still thinking needs are bad?And that you’re bad for having them?
You might be telling yourself a story about what needs are (bad, wrong, stupid) and what it means that you have them (you’re ‘needy’, bad, wrong, stupid, a burden, a drain…you’re going to annoy people and get rejected…or they’ll just use that information to hurt you or stop you from getting what you need..)
This mindset you have about yourself or needs or both, that prevents you from even taking the time to really learn what your needs are in any situation, it is the root of this and quite a few more things in your life that aren’t the way you’d like them to be.
You might be thinking, ‘Okay, but if i started trying to meet my needs it would be a never ending flow of demands, I could never ever meet my needs! There’d always be another need!'
So what’s the point in even trying…?
You tell me…
You’re here. Looking at a page titled ‘I need help with asking for what I need.’
So, tell me, what are you hoping to get out of learning to ask for what you need?
Some relief? Some sense of being cared for? Being able to trust others and relax with them? Build deeper bonds?
Maybe you’re ready to have less anxiety and insecurity in your day to day life?
To stop binging or drinking or screen-timing so much…? Or some other behaviour that you numb out with but would like to be able to be more moderate with…?
To simply know that you can trust yourself to have your back more?
Stop for just a breath, and imagine: What would that be like? ahhhhhh….so nice!
Now before you start getting carried away with the ‘I can’t’ or ‘I don’t know how’ or ‘that might work for some but not for me’ stuff (which in technical terms is called ‘learned helplessness thinking’, just ask yourself, what have I learned in just the last few minutes? Anything?
YES! I know you have! So, if you can start to understand yourself or/and the other person a little better through a simple quiz…imagine what you can accomplish with me in some one on one time or my mastery group?
If you have had even a little moment of ‘ah ha’ here, with me so far,
Just imagine how much clearer and easier life will be when you have all the tools!
And you have confidence in how to use them!
You are totally going to rock life!
Two More things you need to know, now.
There are a couple of extra things I want to you to know, before we wrap up this conversation.
There is a lot more to learn about needs:
What needs are;
How to tell what your and other people’s needs are; and
How to know you’ve done your best to help others without being a doormat!
And you’ll learn all this and then some in my 123 Living Program.
But for now, the things we have covered above, plus the 2 additional concepts I’m about to share with you, will give you an excellent foundation for starting to understand yourself, your actions and feelings and the reason why your relationships are how they are, with more confidence and clarity.
You’re not going to be a perfect fit for everyone.
Sometimes what you need just won’t fit for someone else.
Think of the relationship chart at the top of this page…all the components that make up a good relationship - the alignment we need at each step, and how both of you need to be able to do your part - It’s not all on you! Remember that! Always.
That fact that what you need isn’t what someone else needs or vice versa, in any given situation, doesn’t need to be a stressor for you or them (assuming it’s not violating core values for either of you) and it certainly doesn’t mean you can’t have a great relationship with that person.
It’s about how often that is the case and how each of you feel and handle the situation when your needs do not align that makes the difference between a relationship that can flourish through difference and one in which you can’t breathe or be yourself.
A healthy relationship between two considerate adults naturally has room for times and places and spaces where you don’t align.
Even in the case of someone that you have very little in common with, a very satisfying and mutually beneficial and respectful relationship can exist.
And it’s important to note, there’s a big difference between the kind of relationship you can have with:
Somebody who can be respectfully assertive, and considerate, about what they need, but often needs something very different than you;
Versus
Somebody who also has little in common with you but who just wants their way, and/or is just going to be automatically resistant to anything someone else, or you, suggest.
People in that second category have some serious growing up to do - and almost certainly do not know it.
They are interacting with you - and perhaps with the world - like they are a teenager - a dependent child. Their needs are the only ones that matter…in their minds anyway, and their words and actions make that clear. At least when it comes to how they ask for what they need, and the consideration they give to you and the others around them.
So don’t take it personally if someone keeps putting down your needs or pushing theirs on you. The fact that they think that is acceptable actually proves that it’s not about you - it’s about their self-awareness and how they see the world and their place in it.
I know it’s easier said than done, to not take the judgements of others personally.
But it’s soooooo very doable once you understand what is truly reasonable for anyone to expect or ask of you. Don’t worry! I’ll show you how!
For now, you just need to be aware that until you get your self-awareness and self-esteem mojo working, this person’s presence in your life, as long as this is their pattern, will create unnecessary tension and stress - it will make things harder - and the degree to which they drain you (as per the first quiz you took above) will be the degree to which you don’t get to have as much energy and lightness in your body as you otherwise could, and you are less able to do the things that really matter.
It also directly correlates to how much you engage in stress numbing behaviours - otherwise known as coping strategies, like overeating, drinking, binge watching netflix…and many others.
This might be inconvenient news to you, so let me take this moment to tell you that if you are picking up what I’m putting down, and you see that this relationship is a part of your own struggles, this doesn’t mean that you have to end this relationship.
In fact I’d advise you strongly not take any action of any kind at this moment except learn more about what’s actually going on.
Step in and learn how to really trust yourself.
Then you will feel much more clear and confident in how you address this bond. And your efforts will be much more successful, guaranteed!
2. understanding the difference between a Request and a Demand
It’s also important that you understand the difference between a request for a need and a demand.
Everyone should be free to say ‘no’ to what you ask for, as are you free to say no to them.
In a healthy, respectful bond, this is understood and no one would want you to do anything that didn’t truly feel right to you. Nor would they push, judge or berate or shame you for not wanting to do something.
Therefore, a request is simply something you ask of me that I am free to say no to. Really. You aren’t going to get mad at me or leave me or try to push me to change my mind. A true request is something that I am free to say ‘No’ to.
In contrast, a demand is a request that I am not free to say no to without some consequence.
You should only demand anything of me, or anyone, when the situation is truly life threatening or harmful to you or me, now, or imminently. If you are demanding something of me you are essentially saying that this thing is so important it could truly be detrimental to you or me or our relationship if I do not comply.
When you make demands of another person, as defined above, whether you mean to or not, you are undermining the trust and safety and respect between you. And so is anyone who does that to you. There are only so many times each of us can demand things of others before the relationship starts to get a little prickly or breaks down all together. We humans revel in our freedom to be individuals. So, pushing or telling someone what to do is not ever really going to go over that well…even if you’re right.
There are lots of other ways for you to get what you need - and for others to do the same.
Here’s how I see it:
If you want to have the right to demand something of me, you have to be able to look me in the eye, make a respectful and clear statement of why the circumstance is such that I need to meet your need, whether it is ideal for me or works for me or not.
I hold myself accountable to this and I tell you, it has helped me immensely in my relationships. Often, just the act of trying to imagine the words I’d use and how I’d say them to justify demanding something of someone, helped me realize that I was expecting too much of someone or that I hadn’t given them a chance to really share about what they needed too.
Back in my younger years, I’d feel just devastated if someone said no. I was embarrassed.
I could only see it as them not thinking I was good enough or worthwhile to care for.
Of course the truth was, my own insecurity and fear gave me a strong need for reassurance and made me more than a little self-focussed.
I was hurting myself most of all in taking it personally, and unwittingly alienating people by being selfish in assuming someone should just always be ready to drop everything and be there for me or do whatever I wanted. Even if I didn’t ask…I still hoped, and even expected that people would think of me. And when they didn’t read my mind or do what I wanted or needed I’d be hurt and withdraw.
In this approach to relationships I was not building a warm trusting bond. When I pushed people to do what I wanted, or when I got cold or silent when they didn’t do what I hoped or needed them to, I naturally made them feel less important and cared for. Which just made things worse…
I had never been shown how to find a win-win solution so i never even bothered to try. It was your needs OR mine - not your need AND mine. And that one little distinction ‘OR vs AND’ truly is the difference between a life of happiness, peace and ease, and one of sadness, isolation and fear.
Remember, in a healthy relationship our needs align, as a rule, and even when they don’t we prioritize solutions that show respect and consideration for us both, not just me and not just you.
Simply put - if what you need right now isn’t truly life threatening or harmful should I not comply, I should be free to say no without pressure. And you have the same right with me.
And in any healthy relationship, life threatening and harmful situations are not going to happen very often.
So, if someone is pressing you to agree with them or to do something with or for them that doesn’t feel right to you, or is simply not what you really feel like doing right now, and it’s not legit life threatening or harmful, the best thing you can do is say simply and plainly, to yourself:
In a healthy relationship I am free to say no if something doesn’t feel right to me. Right now, however positive this person’s intention might be, they are pressing me to agree to what they want and not respecting my right to say no. I will not abandon myself to meet someone else’s needs any more. It doesn’t help me and it doesn’t help them, and it only harms our relationship in the long run.
Then, take a nice deep breath, and keep your tone nice and neutral and get curious.
Ask them directly - don’t get flowery or change these words - just ask them straight up:
What is your intention in asking/telling me to do X? / What are you trying to achieve?
And what is important to you about me doing X?
And what is important about that?
Yes, Ask them ‘what’s important about that’ 2 times!
It is not a typo.
You will be shocked by what you learn. And by how that conversation leads, not to the judgement or blaming that you might fear, but to more understanding and closeness with that person than perhaps you’ve ever felt before.
Try it out, and when you’re ready to take the next step and master this stuff, come and join me. I’ll be here.
And…just in case you are thinking, ‘I’d love to be able to communicate like that, but there’s no way I could!’ let me reassure you, once you learn the steps of 123 Living, and you see how life just makes sense when you have this foundation and this set of tools, you will just naturally have these curious and courageous conversations with everyone. And life will just keep on getting better and better…